I’m standing in front of twenty or more third graders, all seated, cross-legged on the floor.
In my hand is a remote control clicker, and I’m pointing it at a huge flat-screen mounted on the wall. Why am I here? Because I was stupid enough to volunteer to teach Sunday School in my church. Don’t get me wrong, the kids are smart…the teacher isn’t. When the pastor asked for volunteers, I raised my hand and thought Why not? I’ll be talking to people on my own level.
My responsibilities this morning are two things: pressing the play button on the clicker and reading aloud from the script. So simple that even I can’t screw it up.
So, with all of us looking at the big screen, I hit the play button and watched as a cartoon figure of Joseph, that small boy in the Old Testament story, walked out on the screen. He’s dressed in a white shirt and a knee-length tunic, and over the top is a jacket made of different-colored fabrics.
Looking at the script, I say to the class, “There once was a young boy named Joseph. He grew up in a big family. He has ten older brothers, and they all work on the family farm together. While the older brothers labored in the hot sun, Joseph played around without a care. Joseph’s dad loved him so much, that he gave him a fancy jacket that, unfortunately, made his brothers very jealous. ”
In parentheses, the script says, ‘Push the remote-control button now.’
I do that. Joseph takes a few more steps forward and stops.
I wait a few seconds, and nothing happens. Now what, I wonder, feeling like I’ve already broken something. Is he supposed to be doing something? Maybe I pressed the button too fast. Do I continue reading or wait longer?
I press the reverse button, and sure enough, Joseph moonwalks backwards off the screen. Then I hit the play button again and watch him come back on screen. A Michael Jackson song starts playing in my head.
“Now…where was I?” I said to myself, studying the paper and not seeing my lines. After twenty seconds of fumbling around, I give up and take charge.
“Listen, everyone. Let’s face it, Joseph is a spoiled little brother. He gets all the fancy clothes, and the e-scooter, and the iPhone, basically all the toys his brothers never got. Not only is he spoiled on nice things, he also has this weird dream where he’s standing taller than everyone else and watching his brothers bow down at his feet. So, you can see where this is going, and…”
“Excuse me, Mister Jim?” says a kid in the front row. He gets to his feet and stands with perfect posture. “Are we learning something about God here, or are you just playing with the equipment and telling us a fib?”
“Yes, I’m playing with the toys,” I said, with a sarcastic tone. “Sorry, kids, I’m just learning how this thing works, and I’m not much good at it.”
I clicked the remote button two more times, and a menu screen popped up. I hit the play button again, and suddenly I’m in a different story.
“This isn’t the right story,” the boy says, his tone gone flinty.
“What’s your name again?” I asked.
“Timmy”
“Sorry, Timmy. I’m not as good as your last teacher,” I said…and under my breath, “Probably ate the last teacher alive.”
Feeling completely befuddled, I look up to see a man on the screen sitting way up in a coconut tree. Try as I may, I couldn’t get back to Joseph’s story.
“Let’s just pretend for a moment that the guy up in the tree is Joseph. Okay? Everybody good with that? Let’s pretend that’s him. So, now, here’s the shortened story of Joseph and his brothers. This is how I remember it anyway.”
“Once upon a time, Joseph went deer hunting with his brothers, and since he was the runt of the litter, he was given that tree right there to sit in.”
How’d he get in the tree?” Timmy asked.
“He climbed a short ladder to a chair that was tied way up in a tree.”
“Are you talking about a tree stand for hunting deer?” A voice asked from the back of the room. “My daddy uses a tree stand with a ladder and a chair.”
“See guys, now that’s what we’re talkin’ about. We have things in common, you and I. We’ll get through this story together, I promise. Now let me continue. The problem Joseph had was that no deer walked by under his tree stand for him to shoot. No deer even came close. Why? Because all the older brothers took all the good tree stands.”
“Wait a minute!” said Timmy. “That’s Zaccaeus up in that coconut tree, not Joseph. I know this story. You’re wrong, Mister Jim.”
“Well…Timmy. When you’re the teacher, it can be Moses or Beelzebub up the tree. But today it’s Joseph, or as his friends call him: Joey. Now let me continue. Joey is hunting deer in the tree stand with no deer in sight.”
“Why’d he get sent to the loser tree stand?” a kid in the back asked.
“Great question,” I said, pointing my finger towards the back. “Because Joey bragged the night before about shooting his older brother’s trophy deer when it wandered into the backyard last season. If Joey was a smart guy, he would have kept his mouth shut and not mentioned it, but that’s what happens when mommies and daddies aren’t careful with their before-dinner drinks.”
“Is that what really happened?” Timmy asked.
I shrugged. “Yes, and no. Joey was banned from hunting by his brothers for a season. So, he left town and was forced to hunt in a strange land far, far away from his home.”
“How far?”
“Almost two miles as the crow flies. When he got there. He found the area was poorly managed, so he started a feeding program and grew fat deer with big antlers.”
“What about the part where Joseph is sold into slavery and the man’s wife wants to sleep with him?”
I shaded my eyes, trying to get a look at the kid in the back. “Who are you back there? An adult with a high voice? Listen, friend, I don’t know what you’ve heard, but Joey didn’t sleep with anybody’s wife. That was a lie spread around to keep me…I mean…to keep Joey from getting elected to the county commissioner’s position. And further, I would suggest that you refrain from spreading rumors about me, lest I have my attorney get involved.”
The room had gone silent, and I said, “So, to wrap this up, Joseph made up with his brothers, and he led them out of the land where all the deer had been harvested, and brought them into a new land, with good bucks, and plenty of places for everybody to have a good tree stand, and they all lived happily ever after.”
James McKew 
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